The Most Random Harry Potter Story Ever
by C a Girl
Summary: R for language and adult content. Draco curses Ron and Harry into the pop culture world of TV, movies and the internet. The two boys continue to bounce from show to site to movie, escaping through red doors into new adventures.
1. How It All Began

The Most Random Harry Potter Story Ever

(or Harry Potter and the Really Fucked Up Shit)

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How It all Began

Harry Potter was sitting at the back of Transfiguration, tapping his wand on the shell of an egg he was supposed to be trying to change into a turtle. It seemed like the afternoon was calling to him, the sun shining outside and the grounds pristine. He wanted to ditch class and go enjoy the outdoors. He wanted to sneak out with Ron. He wanted to convince Hermione that this was more important than learning how to turn eggs into hard-shelled creatures.

Yet he couldn't convince himself to just stand up and walk right out of Professor McGonagall's class. If only he had some nosebleed nougat on hand. He sent Ron a sneaking side glance and as the bell rang he sighed relief. His egg was nowhere near a turtle and that would mean poor marks for the day, but he didn't care. Just to be out of the stifling classroom was relief enough.

He pulled Ron away and asked the question he'd been itching to: "want to ditch divination this afternoon?"

Ron looked at him. "Are you out of your mind? Of course I want to ditch divination."

Harry beamed and they sauntered down the hall without a care. That is until Hermione caught up with them. "What are you two doing?" She asked accusatorily.

"We're skipping class." Ron answered snippily. Usually Ron would attempt to avoid an argument with Hermione, but lately he was just jumping in head first.

"You're a prefect Ron, you can't just ditch school."

"Watch me." Ron said and walked past her to the front door. Harry followed doggedly behind amazed at Ron's bravado.

"Good show." Harry said.

"I'd be falling asleep at Firenze's lesson anyway. Might as well nap down by the lake."

Harry laughed and the two friends skipped off, carefree and full of folly.

It might have occurred to the two of them that they were being followed by a vengeful Draco Malfoy, but they were so glad to be out hearing shot of the school that they didn't heed their stalker. He had left his cronies behind him for once and was following them solo, his wand out and ready.

He had heard of an interesting concept just the other day when two mudbloods were talking about muggle movies. It was a show called _Stay Tuned_ and in it the devil captured people's souls by locking them in the TV, to drift from show to show until they were killed or the show was canceled. The idea was absurd, but Draco got to thinking. Magic was an absurd idea as well. Why not try and curse Harry Potter into a world of television, or movies, or comic books?

He had been researching such methods and finally came up with a spell to send his rival into a never-ending world of pop culture. He pulled out his wand, snuck up behind Harry and Ron and chanted the spell just as he had practiced.

"Forever trapped in pop culture you'll be,

From movies, to comics, to late night TV,

Your only way out is to find a door,

Good luck Mr. Potter I'll see you no more."

His wand sent out a strange buzzing noise and the blue TV glow that strikes late night viewers as they sit in the dark. It hit Harry and Ron both, not an intention of Mr. Malfoy, but a nice side effect he would later recount as brilliant luck. Both boys disappeared from view and Draco sauntered back up to the castle with a lazy smile.


	2. Into Homestarrunnercom

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Into Homestarrunner.com

"Where in the hell are we?" Ron asked impatiently.

"Ron you look all funny." Harry said.

"That's nothing compared to how you look." Ron taunted.

"Sort of animated?"

"And very round." Ron finished.

"Weird. Let's look around."

The boys we're exploring their surroundings, very two dimensional and very animated, as if they'd fallen into a cartoon. They had actually been blinked into homestarrunner.com by Draco's spell, the first in a long series of strange places they were bound to visit.

They did not yet realize, nor would they for a long while, but they were used to adventures and this was just par for the course.

They met along the way the main character of homestarrunner.com, Homestar Runner himself. He was a goofy looking fellow with a roundy body, no arms and a giant white star on his red shirt. He had a bit of a speech impediment and sounded like a kid Harry remembered from grade school, someone Dudley would pick on constantly.

"Hiya guys." Homestar said.

"Hi?" Ron ventured. "Where are we?"

"Oh, new in town huh? Welcome to Homestarrunner.net. It's dot com."

"I think I missed something." Ron said.

"We're in a website?" Harry yelled.

"What's a web... site?" Ron asked.

"It's a place on the internet where you can watch cartoons or send e-mails or look for information."

"Oh that's brilliant." Came a husky voice from behind them. It was Strong Bad, wearing his usual red boxing gloves and red mask.

Harry raised his eyebrows.

"I should write a song about this." Strong Bad said. "Da, da, dum. Idiots on the website. Idiots on the website. I think I'll kick the idiot in the pants. Come on everybody. I'm going to kick him in the fhqwhgads."

"What are fhqwhgads?" Ron asked flabbergasted.

Just then a tiny yellow spotted thing hopped over and started to squeek. "Get this the cheat." Strong Bad said to the creature. "They don't know what fhqwhgads are!"

Harry huffed at all the strangeness going on, but he had been on the internet once or twice before. There was some strange stuff indeed out there and this wasn't the limit.

"Come on Ron, let's try and find a way out of here." Harry grabbed his friend by the arm and continued to look around.

They spotted a door in the corner, red with a yellow knob. It looked just like everything else on the website but Harry had a feeling about it. He turned the handle and the two boys were sucked into the open the doorway and on down to the next adventure.

At least homestarrunner.com was behind them.


	3. Into Jerry Springer

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Into Jerry Springer

The boys were sitting in the back of a studio audience before they rightly realized what had happened. Homestarrunner.com was behind them and this next adventure was perhaps to be their most memorable.

There was a stage and an entire audience filled with people who looked rather ordinary. There was a man with blond hair and a microphone talking to the people on stage.

"On today's episode we'll be talking about families in crisis. My sister is a mermaid lesbian in love with the mailman and my dog is gay."

Ron and Harry looked at each other horrified. This was the kind of trash Petunia Dursley would watch when she thought no one was around.

The talk show grew progressively worse as more people came out on stage, the supposed mermaid lesbian, her mailman lover and the dog wearing a rainbow colored handkerchief. It was so much more bizarre than being animated and talking about fhqwhgads.

A chair was thrown, the body guards called out and several front row audience members spit upon before Jerry, the blond man turned the mic over to the audience.

One gentleman stood up and said loudly "You need to drop that zero and get a hero."

The audience shouted in agreement and Jerry looked thoroughly pleased.

Another chair was thrown and Harry was just about tired of this whole ordeal when he noticed another door, red with a golden knob. He nudged Ron. "Look. The same door."

Ron nodded and they got up to leave when Jerry approached them with the mic. "Do you have something to say young man?" Jerry asked.

"Erm." Ron squirmed. "No."

"And you?" Jerry asked Harry.

"Sure. You should kick that guy to the curb?" He replied.

The audience was in an uproar of hmms and yes that's rights as the boys made their way down the stairs and over to the door. They opened it without hesitation this time and Jerry Springer was about to become a distant memory.


	4. Into MTV2

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Into MTV2 (because that's where the music is)

Harry and Ron found themselves next in strange environment. There was a man wearing a baby blue track-suit and eighty pounds of silver bling around his neck. He was jumping up and down and speaking rapidly into a microphone while bass music pumped in the background.

"Music video." Harry said, shaking his head forlornly. "And not a very good one."

There were scantily clad women slinking all around the rapper and they were beginning to get up on Harry and Ron as well. "This isn't so bad." Ron said with a goofy grin on his face as a woman began to grind against his leg.

Harry raised his eyebrows for not the first time that day. Might as well enjoy themselves. He began to dance with one of the women, who was running her fingers through his hair. Ron was really in the groove interjecting words into the music "yeah, ho." He said.

Harry looked at his friend truly surprised. "Ron? Are you serious?"

Ron laughed. "What up, yo?"

Harry shook his head, shrugged and continued his grooving on the pretty lady who was kindly obliging his every fantasy about scantily clad women in music videos.

The rapper had finally noticed the boys getting fresh with his ladies and had started to walk toward them. "You might get up off my hoes before I pop a gat in your punk ass."

"Ron, I don't know as that's part of the song." Harry said, tapping his friend nervously.

The rapper was drawing closer and Ron was totally oblivious to Harry's warning. Before Harry could stop Ron the rapper was upon them and he was slugging a punch at Ron. The red haired boy ducked just in time for the rapper to knock his ho squarely in the jaw.

"Oh shite." Ron said.

"Let's get out of here." Harry said as the rapper reeled from the force of his punch and the ho cried out in pain.

"Red door? Red door." Ron yelled and pointed to the right of a bright light. There was the red door with a golden knob in all of its glory.

Both boys dashed for the door, but the rapper was not finished with them. He threw his mic and hit Ron in the back of the head. Ron was about to turn around and throw down, but Harry grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him through the open door.

"I never want to see a rap video again for as long as I live." Harry said as the door closed behind them.


	5. Into Fight Club

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Into Fight Club

Ron blinked for half a second to find another fist slinging in his direction. He ducked and skirted to the corner. He heard a voice in the background, as if it was repeating itself patiently. "If this is your first night, you have to fight."

Harry hadn't jumped to the same spot, he was on the other side of the room, hidden behind a crowd of men shouting and chanting. Ron was attempting to escape the circle they had formed, a rough boxing ring made of bodies. It was no use however and so he turned to face the well-built man who had challenged him.

He noticed that the man's face was very beautiful, but for a huge swollen eye, scabbed over and the color of pale red roses. It was strange to become so observant all of a sudden when someone was throwing punches and kicks in your direction. Ron ducked another blow only to get hit in the stomach unexpectedly.

His opponent had found a weak spot in Ron's defensive tactics and the only way for the red haired boy to escape this unscathed was to hit back. He aimed a right hook and missed, scraping past the shock of blond hair that his opponent had spiked earlier in the day. It was like an halo atop his perfect head and had earned him the nickname Angel. Ron aimed again with a left hook and missed again.

His opponent landed a punch into his stomach and Ron reeled, feeling the urge to purge his stomach, filled with steak and kidney pie from lunch at Hogwarts. He caught his breath however and ran towards the blond man, lunging into his midsection and wrapping his arms around him. They both fell back into the floor and Ron had the advantage as the top man. He started to punch until his fists ached and finally his opponent tapped out when the blood streaming from his nose started to hamper his breathing.

The man stood with some help from Ron and shook his hand. "Well done." He said, clapping Ron on the back. He raised Ron's hand in the air and the boy let out a whoop of joy.

"Next fight." Called the voice from the background.

Harry stepped forward knowing full well what this was all about. The boys had fallen into the movie Fight Club and the voice in the background was none other than Tyler Durden. Harry had the honor of being challenged by Mr. Durden while the men around them shouted in tongues at Ron and the man called Angel.

He sized up his opponent who was shirtless, a cut man in the prime of his fighting days. Harry was breathing heavily as he stood it the human ring, opposite the man who was about to hand his ass to him.

"Don't worry Harry." Tyler said gently. "I want you to hit me as hard as you can."

Harry looked at him surprised. An open shot. He started to wind up and Tyler smiled. "Don't hold back." He said.

Harry didn't. He hit Tyler with as much force as he could muster, but he hardly seemed to dent the man. Tyler's eyebrows arched, the left side lifting a piece of medical tape holding together an old scratch from a previous fight. He punched Harry in the stomach and the boy fell immediately to the ground. He could hear Ron yelling at him to stand up, but the noise sounded more like the pounding of waves in the ocean. It was a strange feeling like his head was underwater and every sense was dampened.

He stood only to find a fist connecting with his nose. His eyes watered and he felt the blood begin to trickle down the back of his throat. The taste was acrid, like drinking hot metal. He didn't want to go down in this fight, not after Ron's spectacular performance against Angel. He started to swing wildly and felt two of his ten punches actually connect with Tyler, but they still had little effect.

What had Harry been doing the past few years that he couldn't hold his own in a fight? He remembered suddenly that he had never really had to fight before. He had always been fast enough to run away, but this was a fight where you couldn't run away. You had to make a stand and fight here.

He smiled as Tyler connected another punch with Harry's right cheek. If he ever made it back to Hogwarts he and Ron were going to start a chapter of Fight Club. Even getting the crap kicked out of him felt good.

After several more punches, Harry had to tap out. Tyler had hit him in just about every part of his body (with the exception of the junk or the family jewels if you will, which Harry assumed was below such a great fighter). Ron helped him out of the ring, and found some rags to clean up his friend's bloody face.

"That was great." Ron said breathlessly.

"If you say so." Harry replied winded. Yet inside he agreed and he had never felt better in his life.

The boys watched several more fights before they decided to leave, having spotted the red door earlier in the evening after their matches. "You want to start…" Ron began.

"A chapter when we get home?" Harry finished. "I was thinking the same thing." He cracked a smile, showing his bleeding gums, where Tyler had landed a punch square on his mouth. They walked through the door and into their next adventure.


	6. Into Little Shop of Horrors

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Into Little Shop of Horrors

Observing their new surroundings the boys noticed that it was dim and dusty. It looked like they had landed in the middle of Skid Row, which they had. Neither boy would figure out where they were this time because neither had seen the movie musical _Little Shop of Horrors_. This however, would be the place where they would make an important discovery.

"All right." Ron said, "where are we now?"

"No clue." Harry replied. "Let's have a look see."

They wandered around for awhile in the shadow of the dingy brick buildings that made up Skid Row. There was singing in the background, three women in harmony. "Ain't he having some fun now." They sang in matching fringed, red dresses on the roof. "Some fun now."

They found a florist shop, crowded with people, phones ringing constantly and the most amazing and interesting plant either of them had ever seen in the window. It was like a giant Venus fly-trap and as Harry and Ron had had some experience with odd plants in Herbology they wanted to take a closer look.

They entered and looked around, careful not to tread too closely to the plant. There was a large man with graying hair running about trying to answer the phones and a nerdy looking guy flitting to and fro trying to fill orders. Coming out of the back room was a tall and skinny blond in a very retro green dress with a giant flower arrangement in her hand.

The group of people started singing again about how great the flowers were and bizarre the giant plant was. Ron gave Harry a frightened look. "I think we landed in some sort of musical."

"Oh my." Harry replied.

A placard hung before the plant and it said: Mushnik's presents Audrey II.

The shop was really too crowded and the singing was starting to become contagious. Before Ron and Harry burst into song themselves they stepped outside, finding a stoop a few doors down to rest. "This is so insane." Harry said. "How did we get here?"

"Someone must have cast a spell on us…" Ron said trailing away.

"Malfoy." Harry said. "I thought I saw his blond helmet head following us out of the castle. He must have cursed us into the TV."

"But not the TV because weren't we in that web-thingy?"

"Hmm. I dunno. But it was definitely him."

"We might as well start looking for the red door because that seems to be the way to get out. Maybe one door will drop us back into Hogwarts."

"Hope so." Harry said with a heavy sigh. They stood and started looking around, but none of the houses had red doors. It was getting late, night was quickly coming and the streetlights were popping on. They had to find it soon or they were going to be sleeping out in the streets, next to the guy already snoozing under the newspaper.

A noise like a scream from the florist shop aroused their attention. "What was that?" Ron asked, not wanting an answer.

Harry removed his wand from his pants instinctively. If someone was in danger or needed help the best thing to do was grab a wand and get ready to help them.

"Harry, your wand? You still have it." Ron reached into his pants to find his wand. "I still have mine. Let's jinx ourselves back!"

"We should try and help those people first." Harry said quickly as another scream rent the air.

"Fine." Ron said, slumping over. They crept up to the window in the florist shop to see the most bizarre scene play itself out (not quite the same caliber bizarre as the Jerry Spinger Show). The giant plant was attacking the nerdy guy and the tall, skinny blond.

"Audrey!" Yelled the nerd.

"Seymour!" Yelled the blond.

Harry rushed in as the plant's tentacles were lashing out at Seymour and Audrey. He pointed his wand at the plant. "Reducio." He shouted. It had no effect. "Impedimenta!" He yelled. Still nothing. "Incendio!" He tried.

No matter what spell he shouted his wand did nothing. He looked to Ron, fear riding high on his face. "It's not working."

Ron tried his wand. "Diffindo." He tried with no results. "Expelliarmus!" Nothing. "Shit!" He yelled.

"They don't work here. Our wands have no effect here."

The plant laughed. "Look's like dessert to me baby." It wrapped one of its tendrils around Ron's legs and the boy screamed. The plant was lifting Ron slowly into the air, ignoring Seymour and Harry, having Audrey wrapped in the corner in a rope of greenery.

A chorus of singing broke out. "We must kill the plant." Harry and Seymour sang together.

"Kill the plant before it kills us." Audrey sang.

"We must kill the plant." The boys sang again.

Ron, hanging upside down wanted to cry, instead he sang out. "Kill the plant before it kills me!"

The plant opened its great purple tinged mouth and dropped Ron inside. Harry yelled but it seemed useless, Ron was gone turned into plant food and now he had to kill the plant before it killed him. Audrey managed to get loose from her green coils as the plant was distracted with digesting.

Audrey II was far from finished however. The plant started to stab its tendrils into the walls and floor, breaking the very foundation of the room apart. It was trying to hit the three combatants in order to render them unconscious so that they too could be part of its dinner. It was failing miserably though and hitting everything else.

The plant fell through the cracking floor, dragging Seymour and Harry into the hole with it by snagging them on two of its roots. They hit the cement floor with a thud. The young man and the nerd scrambled to their feet and tried to find something, anything to stop the homicidal plant.

Harry stumbled on an exposed electrical wire and noticed that the raw end was close to Seymour's hand. "Seymour!" He shouted. "The wire!"

Seymour saw where Harry was pointing and grabbed the wire. He jerked it up in victory and slammed it into the plant's open mouth. He stepped back quickly and watched as the plant began to shake and quake, filled with 1000 volts of electricity, more than enough to kill a grown horse let alone an alien plant. It fell forward, black around the edges and silent.

Harry sighed relief and Audrey called down from the hole in the ceiling. "Are you ok?" She asked.

Harry was looking for the stairs when he heard a thumping coming from the plant. "Didn't we kill it?" He asked Seymour.

"Yes." Seymour said. "But, I think…" He trailed away and started to pry open the mouth of the beast. "It's your friend."

Ron's head peeked up through the back of the plant's throat. He started to emerge, covered in a purple goo. "That is the foulest shit I have ever experienced." Harry ran over and hugged his best friend, regardless of the purple slime. Ron starting laughing. "I thought I'd bought the farm that time." He started to look around, noticing that they had fallen through to the basement. Something red caught his attention over Harry's shoulder.

"Look," he said. "The red door."

Harry smiled. "Perhaps you'd like to wash off before we hop on out of here?"

Ron laughed. "If that's ok with Seymour."

"Fine by me." Seymour said.

The boys washed up in the sink upstairs, Ron rinsing off what he could of the purple goo and Audrey tending gently to the boys' scrapes and cuts. "Thanks for saving our lives." She said.

"It was all Seymour." Harry said. Audrey offered to cook them supper, but neither boy felt inclined to eat after such a strange adventure. "That's ok," Harry said. "I think we'll get going." They ventured back down the almost ruined stairs and opened the door with one last look at the evil, dead, giant plant.

"Can't wait to tell Madame Sprout about this adventure." Ron laughed.


End file.
